Since I’m such a goddamn perfectionist, while also managing to be one of the laziest goddamn people I know, I knew motherhood would be…difficult for me. I figure what better way to deal with my mental anguish at not being the perfect Lorelai Gilmore-perfect mother (I realize that June Cleaver is the usual reference here, but she’s become Stepford-wife creepy in my brain, so no thanks) than by documenting all the things I beat myself up over, and posting them to the internet. No way this can go wrong. Nope. No way. No how.
My children are not sleeping. They go down relatively easily at night, after their bedtime routine, but they wake up over and over again – sometimes staying up for an hour before settling back down – and they fight their naps with all the passion and fervor of William Wallace fighting the English. They do still take both naps – one in the morning and one in the afternoon – and sometimes they take another in the early morning, right around the time I’m heading out to work. But they fight, and usually at least one of them catnaps through naptime, popping up every fifteen minutes or so and needing to be soothed back to sleep. When they’re awake (and not fighting their naps!) they’re happy & comfortable – they don’t seem overly tired or cranky during the day when it isn’t time for a nap, so I don’t think it’s really affecting their health or anything. But oh man am I tired.
And, of course, since I’m me, I’m starting to get super duper worried about this. Now, the girls are only three months old, so not sleeping through the night is hardly unheard of at this point. In fact, most of my “research” (blog stalking and talking with other moms, mostly) seems to indicate that those “OF COURSE my three month old sleeps through the night, what am I, an animal?” stories are outliers (if not, you know, overexcitement from a single incident) and that my girls are TOTALLY NORMAL. But it’s still starting to worry me. They were making it most of the way through the night for a few weeks – from about 9pm-2am, then again from 2:30-5am. But then the teething ramped up and I moved their bedtime up because they were always asleep before bath time and I HATED waking them up just to give them a bath and send them back to sleep and seriously since then it’s basically been a nightmare.
And of course all I do is worry about what I did to cause it. Is it because I couldn’t take staying up for an 8pm bath / 9pm bedtime, especially if that meant they would be crashing around 7 and I’d have to wake them up just to resettle them? Is it because some nights it’s me by myself and other nights it’s me and BB together and other nights grandma or aunties or even their 3 year old cousin helps out and it’s just INCONSISTENT? Is it because BB and I simply aren’t on the same page when it comes to naps and when I’m at work he’s running a totally different schedule than when I’m home? IS IT BECAUSE I KEEP TAKING THEM OUT WITH ME TO SOCIALIZE ON THE WEEKENDS?
I honestly wish someone would just tell me what I’m doing wrong that’s messing up my children’s sleep patterns, so I can fix it. If it’s something I can fix. Which it may not be. It may be something that is simply a fact of life at this point (our work schedules are our work schedules, and if that’s the issue we just have to hope that the babies eventually figure it out and settle in). It may be the damn teeth, which seriously I’m already giving you orajel and tylenol what more do you want from me. It may just be them fucking with me, because they’re babies and that’s what babies do. I honestly don’t know what it is, and I don’t know what to do.
But I sure feel shitty when I can’t get them to sleep and I’m frustrated and annoyed at them.